Due to circumstances beyond our control, neither Bruce nor Alex were able to complete a review for today. In desperation we turned matters over to Intern Tobey. His submission has been edited extensively for grammar and clarity.
Yo, what’s crackin’ y’all? It’s your boy Intern Tobey aka Licorice Banisters, aka Fuzzy Womack, aka Siege Perilous, aka Archduke Furdinand of Bosstria, aka Tobey I Swear to God! Now I know you’re all asking “Tobey, why are you blessing us on this website instead of making it hot in the booth recording some of that new John Blaze everyone has been waiting for?” I hear you squad, and let me assure you, this will not delay the release of my new tape, Hu$tlemania II: The Megapowerz XXXPLODE, I just need to get that verse Kendrick promised me and that shit will blow up the streets like an A-Bomb, only instead of a mushroom the cloud will be in the shape of my face like KABOOM. Pretty Tobey is like Michael Jorson (a special combination of Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson I made up) in his prime, you heard?
Anyway, Bruce and Alex are beefing again (they got into a shoving match with lots of flailing hands over some new Blue Dengel record?) so once again Tobayzee has to save the day like Superman, flying down and punching a hater into orbit, that’s my word. Now normally I don’t fucks with any of the music on this website, Tobey Bryant is too busy recording guest verses and responding to all the messages I get from ladies to spend time on this drivin’-a-hearse-like-a-regular-car music for people who still feel mad about High School. But like my dude Yeezy I also got my ear to the ground for new sounds. I’m an innovator in the game, so when I saw this new drop from a band called S†▲K3H▲US I knew I had to peep it. Their Facebook says they used to live in a house with some witches but now are “health goth” which is like if Marilyn Manson got swoll, but also wore a lot of Rick Owens? I do a lot of fashion research for my new line of fresh gear; 2-BEY, coming soon.
The music on S†▲K3H▲US is pretty good! On this one song they sample verses from Drake AND Gucci which I like because I have respect for the old school hip hop players who came before me. Also they use a really loud 808 kickdrum on every song, which is EXTRA respectful, game recognize game. Sometimes it’s kinda hard to hear what the music sounds like since there’s a lot of echoes but during those parts I pretended I was in a cave like Batman, who is the best since he has the dopest ride of any movie star. It was also only 4 songs, but also there was remixes? It was hard to tell without someone yelling “REMIX” at the beginning.
All in all I think S†▲K3H▲US is 5/5 stars! Yo if anyone knows someone who can get my demo to Cash Money, hit me up, it’s TwentyFleekteen, the year of Tobey or Not Tobey, dollars and ballers, nahmean?