Hey folks, Bruce here. As many of you are aware, Alex is on vacation for a couple of weeks, meaning that I’ve been handling things over at ID:UD HQ by myself. I’ve been doing my best, but to be honest there’s a lot to keep up with, and so in the interests of maintaining the regular stream of high-quality content you’ve come to expect from us over the past seven years, I’ve asked our own Intern Tobey to fill in for this week’s Tracks post and discuss some recent tunes submitted to the site for our consideration.
What is UP rivets and rivettes it’s your boy Tobey Starks AKA The Ghostface Kitten AKA Lil RIPLP* AKA Don Hakunaminati: The 7th Daze Theory. Have to say that I’ve been living my best life while dad’s away straight yeeting fools on PUBG (none of that Apex nonsense – I keep it old school), but Uncle Bruce has got me picking up the slack for his sorry ass today. I can handle it – I was born to grind in that cut! Anyway, get at your boy on TikTok and Twitch (TobeyStaXXXophone), and lemme cut through the BS and talk about these six tracks without any niceties.
Spirito Sancto, “The Penultimate Ultimatum”
This is that new-folk stuff dad and Bruce always think sus, googling to see if some jagoffs with lutes play nazi dress-up on weekends. I dunno about any of that with regards to this gang, but the track starts off pretty dope! Lotta horns and drums, all sounding like a boss fight from that Dead Souls game dad’s always playing. But after that it’s just wack acoustic guitar that sounds like it was recorded in a sewer and a guy muttering about “fate and honor” sounding like he’s calling in sick and trying to sell it way too hard to his manager. Suck it up and go do your shift at Pep Boys, fam!
\\Z Frame, “Ovoid Trance”
This tune is tiiiiiight af. It’s on some German label I’m not gonna try to type, the beat sounds like it’s comin out a whip with blown out speakers, but your boy didn’t come up through the game to be the intercontinentally recognized impresario, mogul and brand influencer that he is today without knowing a banger when he hears one. Only thing missing on this one is a vocal. This beat would be good for RiFF RAFF or Migos to bless, but there’s nothin’ on it but some robo voice saying “dunkin height” or something in Germanian. Hey \\Z Frame: need a Boban Marjanovic to slam on this joint? Pretty Tobey’s rates for features are muy reasonable!
Nocturanium, “In The Autumn Mist”
At first I was pumped for this cuz stuff called dark-wave which has this much purple and blue on the cover should have some serious lean and bass, right? Nah. No flex and no chill on this joint. The lady’s yelling like her car just got towed and the synths sound like someone’s just testing to make sure each key works. “This one? Yeah, hold it for three seconds…Now the next one…” I got a sensitive side and can get down with Drake or Lil Xan when they’re hurt but this theatre kid whining ain’t for Tobey.
Schwartztanz, “Zorn Tanz”
“Neo-old school”??? That’s a contraction, but I’ve heard dad play enough stuff like this (sometimes pumping his fist and goin “YEAH” when he thinks I don’t notice) to know that it gets some dudes up to dropkick their washer-dryer combo unit and as an entrepreneur, I can respect that. This is angry screamy shit and I could actually get behind something like this if the beat didn’t sound like it had a rod up its ass. oom-PAH, oom-PAH, oom-PAH, oom-PAH the whole way through like it’s some nightmare polka shit. What are all these Germans so mad about, anyway? Too much hosen, not enough lieder if you feel me.
Fractured Angles, “Garnet”
What is up with these cats and bass guitar? I’m no rock professor scientist but I know they ain’t for melodies. Not that there’s much of one here. Same six notes over a drum machine and dude’s voice is so muffled I can’t figure out why he’s sad. Young cubs just startin in on the game: production ain’t hard! Just install Garage Band on your phone and you’re pretty much done! Anyway, this is on a split (on “bone white vinyl” – I just fuckin can’t with these goofs) with some other band from Portland who sound just like them. I know dad and Bruce and probably most of y’all reading this worship that Tony Curtis guy as much as these fools, but he’s been dead forever and post punk is REALLY post. Contemporize or get ground under, ya hear.
Historia Albigensium, “Subarctic Bloom”
Now I know Uncle Bruce is just tryna clown me. This ain’t music, this is just an air conditioner running for ten minutes. “Dark ambient?” More like “Dork, I Ain’t Buyin It”. PRETTY TOBEY OUT!!!
*RIP** Lil Peep
**Rest In Peace